Why haven't I got a check-up in so long? Last time I seriously saw the doctor was over a year ago, and I know it should be done every six months. My insurance not being willing to pay for a PET CT is one reason, sure, but blood work and a CT Scan are reasonable options. The insurance business is not the real reason, though. I've never liked seeing doctors, getting checked. I don't mind needles, exams or being poked.... well not really. It's not comfortable, but it's not a big issue. I think the problem is more related to coping with fear. Ignorance is bliss. What if there were something wrong? Yeah, I know, the earlier they see it, the better. The better my chances. How it feels to talk about yourself in terms of chances of survival! I hadn't thought that way in about two years!

I'm feeling great, I've felt great quite a while after treatment ended... but there's always the what if... what if... In a way, it's like if seeing the doctor, seeing test results, hearing the diagnosis, makes things real. That's how it was in the beginning, before I saw the oncologist, when they were all just running every test they could think of to figure it out. Before the biopsy. Then it was real, when they had the chunk of lymph node and confirmed, even though we had been pretty sure before they did the surgery.

Is that some form of hope? Hope to cope with fear? Hope helps us (me) cope with fear? The weight of evidence, I guess, is what I fear(ed). Certainty comes with evidence. It's something emotional, not rational. Not seeing the doctor I mean. This time I have no reason to be afraid. I 'm great. I feel great. I can't feel any swelling in my lymph nodes... but what if... so many what ifs. I'm not brave. I'm not chicken-shit, but I'm not brave. Hope is a response to fear. Ignorance is a response to fear. Procrastination is a response to fear.

I promise I'll call tomorrow and make an appointment.